I'm sorry I never told you all the things I wanted to say.

Back in October I found out that an old friend had died, we hadn't talked in five years or seen each other in even longer but it shook me up. I haven't had a lot of people die in my life, especially not people I've been close to and mean a lot so this really hit me hard. He had been my best friend for about four years when we lived near each other but when I moved from New Brunswick to Ontario we eventually lost touch.
One of the reasons I came back to New Brunswick was him, he had meant so much to me as a child and I wanted that back. I wanted it back more than I was willing to tell anyone. However, once I was here I got caught up in school and meeting new people that I kept pushing it away.
I was checking emails and Facebook one day when I saw that a friend from Frederiction had joined a "Remembering __________" group, his name is not overly common so I thought what are the chances? I looked at the group expecting to see someone I didn't recognize, instead I saw him. I must have cried for hours, I didn't go to half my classes because little things would set me off.
For a while now I've been doing really good, I hadn't thought of him a lot but I got a card from his parents a while ago. It was a reply to my condolences and I still haven't replied to it. I don't know how, I don't know what to say. 
About a week ago I started to dream about him, little memories of our childhood mixed up in the dream world. It's got me thinking about him all the time, thinking up all the memories I had forgotten. It's hard to sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about him, I find myself wishing I still had sleeping pills. I've cried myself to sleep three times this week already, I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing.
It's not just his death and that he's gone, it's that I had the chance to get back in his life and I didn't. I have always prided myself on not regretting things but I wish I had contacted him as soon as I got here. I wish I had more time with him before he was gone, I wish I could change things. I regret it in ways I never thought possible and it's tearing me up inside.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,

Like so many friends we've lost along the way, 

And I know eventually we'll be together.

One sweet day.

--Mariah Carey